OK, here is another emotional post!
I have been seeing my physical therapist off and on for two years now, my body has been through so much, parts of me stop working. She sees me go through good and really bad days. On Monday she asked me "So, if you have stage four cancer, and there is no cure, why are you doing chemotherapy?" I had to come up with an answer fast.... because she asked me a question. I said "I didn't want to die."
Nothing can prepare you for a question like that. And three days later it is taking up a lot of real estate in my mind. Why am I trying to stay alive? Why don't I just quit chemotherapy and live what life I have left? Some one asked if I knew what the difference is between palliative care and hospice. Yes, I do. Palliative care manages my disease. Hospice care manages my death. I don't feel like dying most days. Is that enough?
I want to see my granddaughter graduate from high school and maybe from college. I want to be with my son and my husband as long as I can. I would like to enjoy what life I have left with my friends and family.
I can hope for a cure, if I buy some more time.
I belong to a closed Facebook group for metastatic cancer and I poster that on line and I got some wonderful responses.
Thoughts on procrastination: Remind yourself that it’s better to try and fail than not to try at all. “At the end of life, during the final days, people do not regret what they did but what they didn’t,” says Ludwig. “Trying but not focusing on the results can help you decrease the emotions around risk of failure. The result isn’t important. What’s important is to try something new.”
